turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
