that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
