my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
