by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
