Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
