She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We're too hungover to prance.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
