I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
