Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
