Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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