And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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