Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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