I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
where are my eyebrows?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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