That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
