I'm lost and stupid without you.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
