Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
