Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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