Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
