my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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