Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
