You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
