i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
