well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
