I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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