Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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