so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
