we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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