Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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