She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
