i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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