New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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