Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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