wrigley field is MILF paradise
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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