Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
