Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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