Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
why do cheetos always look like penises
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
