Duck Duck Cougar?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
