matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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