Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
