Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
