She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
