the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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