So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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