I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
