Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
