you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
