I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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