do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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