Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
