he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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