I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My Sexting was not on an AP level
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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