I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
