I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
