Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
