i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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