I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
