On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
